My End and My Beginning
by Jess Gaskell
Summary: What if you had a chance to go back and redo the worse decisions you ever made. With a second chance, can Shepard overcome her demons and finally bring the cycle to an end? Follow her as she forms the relationships that will give her something to truly fight for.
1. Chapter 1 - Penance

**Disclosure: **Mass Effect and everything you recognise from its universe belongs to Bioware. Everything else is the result of my own imagination gone wild!

**A/N: ** Hey guys, this is my first ever fan fiction so go easy on me! This is my twist on the ending of Mass Effect 3. As a reader I'm a big fan of the Shep romance stories so although it won't be the main plot focus, I do plan to have some in this some point down the line.

I need to say a huge thanks to elmjuniper for encouraging me to start writing in the first place and for beta reading once I did! If you haven't already discovered her work you def need to go take a look!

Thanks for taking the time to read and I'd love to see reviews if you like what you read!

* * *

**Penance**

_"I went down to the river, I sat down on the bank.  
I tried to think but couldn't, so I jumped in and sank."  
― Langston Hughes_

* * *

She turned and looked at her choices; bad, worse and worst...of course.

_Did you expect it to be easy?!_

_No... _

_Making the impossible decisions is what you do so get on with it._

She sighed, when she thought about it, the decision wasn't all that hard; synthesis...what gave her the right to forcibly change the genome of the entire galaxy.

_That just takes hubris to a level even The Illusive Man hadn't considered! _The thought of TIM drew a chuckle, she couldn't deny putting that bullet in his head felt even more satisfying than she'd imagined it would.

She looked to her left, control..._no never!_

_Why not?_

_Because that's what he would have done, and we both know how much I love to piss him off._

_But he's dead..._

When it came to Cerberus all level of reasoning seemed to go out the window. She thought back to all the decisions she'd made just because she knew it would piss TIM off. Activating Legion, opening Grunts tank, helping Jack blow up Pragia and let's not forget refusing to help Jacob or Miranda with their personal issues. Then the biggies... destroying the collector base and turning the SR2 over to the Alliance. Safe to say she'd made a hobby out of pissing The Illusive Man off.

She smirked, four billion dollar pain in his ass.

_So you're dismissing an option completely purely to piss off a dead man?_

_Pretty much, yeah..._

_Immature much?_

_Totally!_

So, destroy it is...

She scoffed at the irony. She had sacrificed the Quarians in favour of the Geth's assistance in the war; now the end solution would mean genocide for the Geth anyway.

She took a deep breath to steel herself, why was this so hard? She'd died before; she had nothing more to lose now that she'd had two and a half years ago...the moment she thought it she knew it was a mistake. It was true, she'd become an expert at blocking everything and everyone out.

_If you don't feel, you can't hurt._..

As she was about to refocus on the task ahead, a light at the back of her mind caught her attention. She moved towards it, she could see it getting bigger and brighter with every step she took. When she realised where the light was coming from she froze. She stared on at the sight in front of her; the wall she had so skilfully built all those years ago was coming apart brick by brick in front of her eyes.

Something came into view behind the hole, a familiar face; one she hadn't dared look upon for sixteen years.

_No, this isn't possible. You have a job to do...walk away, ignore her!_

But she couldn't take her eyes off the innocent young face, long copper hair and emerald green eyes staring back at her.

Then she saw one of the bricks fly straight for her. As it connected with her right shoulder, she was floored by the image that hit her.

_Virmire: Ashley and Kaidan standing behind Wrex as she tried to reason with him over Saren's cloned Krogan. Then a bang, the bullet ripped through the centre of the Krogan's skull and sailed passed her shoulder blood and grey matter splattering her armour. She'd felt for the Krogan, they'd had a rough deal. If only she'd taken time to ease Ashley's concerns about the aliens._

Another brick hit her square in the chest.

_The collector base: Doctor Chakwas inside the pod, the terror in her eyes having watched Kelly liquefied, knowing she was next, pleading her to open the pod...not enough time, watching her dissolve before her eyes._

They kept coming, brick by brick memory by memory.

_The Citadel: stand staring down the barrel of her gun trained on Kaidan, his gun in return on her. The life faded from his eyes as he died in her arms, at her hand. A standoff that should never have happened; if he'd known her better, trusted her, it might have been avoided._

_Rannoch: Tali removes her mask and gracefully falls to her death; the pain of the end of her people too much to bear._

Without warning the rest of the wall burst open and she was hit by a tidal wave of emotions; sixteen years worth of grief, sorrow, guilt and regret flooding her mind, body and soul. She felt the air pushed from her lungs, she tried to fight it, to swim to the surface, but she was paralyzed mentally and physically.

Something drew her consciousness to the surface, a voice. She focused on the spectral child next to her, trying to ignore the incapacitating war being waged within her.

"You're time is at an end. You must decide," the child said.

"I...I c-can't." Was all she could manage.

"So be it," the child boomed. "The cycle continues," and with that he was gone.

As the Reapers continued to decimate the galaxy around her, she closed her eyes and gave in to the inevitable doom that awaited her.

She had failed; failed herself, her family, the galaxy. She hadn't realised it then, but now she saw it so clearly; she failed the day she built the wall. This was her penance and she welcomed it...

**To Be Continued...**


	2. Chapter 2 - The Three

**The Three**

_"Break the rules, stand apart, ignore your head and follow your heart."  
– Paula Abdul_

* * *

"It goes against EVERYTHING we swore on when we began the project!" He made no effort to hide his anger and dismay at what she suggested, how could they even contemplate this?

"What else can we do? Do you honestly feel this is how it should end…I can't just stand by and watch it again, I just can't," she said, her words coated with pain and desperation.

"Why now? We've watched the same happen cycle upon cycle, why her?"

"Because there has never before been one as capable. In all those cycles none have achieved close to what she has," she said with conviction and certainty.

"But she failed; it is no different from the previous cycles. How many times will you step in before you see, there would be no need for intervention if she truly was special?" His frustration seeped through his words.

"She came so much further than any before her. You know she has the potential, if she'd only been able to find the strength on that day." She was almost pleading for him to hear her, to understand. There was something so inspirational about this human, how could they let this opportunity go?

"Did you not meddle enough when you made her resurrection possible?"

She should have known he would throw that back at her. "I have already apologised for not consulting you both on that."

"But not for doing it."

"No, it was necessary; as is this." She refused to back down, until The First opposed her she would stand her ground. "You cannot tell me you consider these results acceptable! This is NOT how it should end, it can't be. We have to do something!" uncontrollable anger tore through her words; how could he see this as an acceptable outcome, how could he be so detached from the project they had put so much into for so long?

"Enough!" The First bellowed, sending an echo through the empty space with a commanding air. Until now she had stayed silent, absorbing the opinions laid out before her. She couldn't argue this wasn't how they'd imagined it would turn out so many millennia ago.

The human was special, so much potential, of that there was doubt. But was action the right course? Could they really justify intervention? They had put the rules in place for a reason. "IF we did intervene, how do you propose we go about it?"

A ray of hope, she was willing to listen. She took a moment to compose herself; she knew the future of the project rode on her words. "We must not control her; that would make us no better than the Leviathans or the Reapers. Support, go back to the worse day of her life and help her see the strength within, the strength she could not see alone that day. The choices would still be hers; they would have to be."

She took a moment to consider the proposition, there had never before been one such as this human, even at her weakest she achieved so much. If the cycle continued another may never come, which would force their hand to take much more drastic measures or end the project altogether.

Yes this was against their rules, but it was pre-emptive damage control. "That is…an acceptable solution. But it must be the only form of intervention; if it fails, if nothing changes, then so be it."

Joy filled her heart, she had barely dared to hope The First would agree. "I will happily be her..."

"No. You are too attached, I cannot trust you will be restrained. I take this task upon myself." She looked upon them both, "Is that clear? Are we in agreement?" a simple nod from both the figures in front of her and the biggest decision since the day it all began was made.

**To Be Continued...**

* * *

**A/N: **Hey guys, hope you're still liking MEMB. Please review away as I'd love to know what you guys think! Thanks again to elmjuniper for your awesome support, you're a legend!


	3. Chapter 3 - Angels and Demons

**A/N:**Hey guys,

I'd just like to say a big thank you to all who have read, commented, favorited and followed! It's great to hear what people think and I'm glad you are as intrigued as I am to see where this story will take us.

Once again a lots of love sent to my slave driver and beta reader **elmjuniper**. If you haven't already definitely go check out her stories!

Happy reading, hope you like this new update!

* * *

**Angels and Demons  
**

"_Those we love, don't go away, they walk beside us, every day.  
Unseen, unheard, but always here. Still loved, still missed, still very dear."  
– unknown author_

* * *

Opening her eyes, she tried to focus her mind; damn that was a hellish nightmare! She tried to roll over, a searing pain shooting through her right shoulder forced a hiss from her lips. Then it hit her..._No! It can't be real, please God say it's not real._

She'd never believed in God, her parents had made sure her and her sisters were well educated in all religions and beliefs, but they were not themselves religious. But in that moment, for the first time in her 16 years of existence, she prayed, to anyone, anything that would listen...please let me wake up, let this be a terrible dream.

Movement in the room pulled her out of her prayer and back to reality, the survival instincts that had kept her alive for the past four days kicked back in charge and she froze. She flattened herself as best she could to the floor, blocking out the pain in her shoulder that protested at the movement. She did her best to control her breathing, she had to stay calm or her biotics might flare and give her away. She was certainly regretting not listening to her dad now.

Her inclination to biotics had manifested quickly after the colony's element zero refinery explosion, two years earlier. Her dad had been supportive, encouraging her to embrace her newly acquired abilities. But she was stubborn; she knew embracing her biotics would result with her being sent to BAat or _brain camp_ as the kids that went there called it. No, she was quite happy just pretending her biotics weren't there…until now.

She had a perfect view of the whole room from under the counter. She saw movement in the far right of the room. She gripped the shotgun she still had pressed against her leg, not that it would do her much good if there were more than two targets. Two shots left, she cursed herself for not going back to her house to get her dad's back up. But she couldn't, she couldn't revisit the scene that had greeted her when she had finally made it back to their house three days earlier.

She blocked it out, being a scared little girl wasn't going to get her out of this alive, although she wasn't really sure why she even wanted to, what was the point? Her girlfriend, her family, everyone...gone. But her survival mode didn't care about motivation and right now it was in charge.

Again there was movement from the door and suddenly she saw boots, but these were different boots to the ones she had been seeing for the last four days. She registered the colour of the armour of the boots' owners, it was blue...alliance blue. She knew that armour well, from her uncle's service.

Of the three of them, she had always been his favourite. Her sisters had no interest in armour and guns, but she loved it, and he loved that she loved it. Every time he was on leave, he'd take her to the shooting range, or if they went camping they'd use tin cans as targets. He taught her how to clean, care for and respect a gun. She'd never imagined all those fun bonding moments with him would be the key to her survival.

She tried to call out, but her voice wouldn't work, she tried to move, but her body protested, she was shutting down, going into shock.

The realisation that help had arrived had seemingly told her survival instincts they were no longer needed, allowing her thoughts, emotions and memories to fill the void. Suddenly she couldn't breathe; she was drowning, drowning in a sea of overwhelming grief.

A pair of boots, smaller boots without armour, headed in her direction, and she heard a woman's voice say something. Next thing she could see was the face of an angel - a woman - late 30s with brown hair and kind, moss green eyes, filled with concern and care.

"It's ok; we're not going to hurt you," the angel said in a crisp British accent.

"A-alliance?" was all she could manage to croak. The woman's features softened even more and she nodded.

"Yes dear, I'm a Doctor with the Alliance. My name is Karin, what's yours?" The angel spoke so softly, her words felt like a safe embrace.

But the grief was too much, she couldn't do this, she wasn't strong enough for this. Ice cold tendrils crept out from deep within her, pulling her away from the embrace, dragging her emotions back into a dark place she didn't even know existed.

She could see the wall skilfully being built around her; with every brick she added it became easier to breathe. There was no door or window in this wall, she was sure there would be no way out once it was built. Maybe that was best, put it all away, protect herself behind this impenetrable wall and block it all out. If she didn't the overwhelming pain she felt of her loss would surely consume her?

_If you don't feel, you can't hurt._ Yes, this would be better.

Then, as suddenly as it had started, the building stopped; as if someone had pressed pause. Out of nowhere an unknown voice spoke to her.

"_No, this is not the way," _the voice said with a regal air.

"_B-but I have to, it hurts, so much...I can't...," _she heard her own voice echo in her mind.

"_You can. You have to, they need you to, we need you to. You do this now, and there will be no going back. Trust her; she will keep you safe, they both will. Come, help me make a door." _She couldn't explain it, but an overwhelming desire to believe and trust this voice washed over her, so she did.

Refocusing on the Doctor she managed to croak "A-Amelia...my name is Amelia Shepard."

The doctor – Karin – smiled and said "That's a beautiful name."

"Thank you. My dad told me it means 'Work of the Lord'." A forlorn smile crept to her lips before being replaced by pure, unadulterated sorrow.

She felt a hand gently touch her arm and resisted the urge to pull away. She looked up at Karin, two pairs of green eyes locked. One, full of grief and hopelessness – one, full of comfort, and the promise of a future – and in that moment she found the strength she so desperately needed to push away the remnants of those ice cold tendrils.

"Amelia, I'm going to ask you to trust me, can you do that?" She took a deep breath – she could breathe again – she nodded at the doctor and then winced at the pain from her shoulder.

"Ok, carefully slide me the gun, I want to minimise the risk of a miss fire while we get you out from under there." Hesitating for a second she reluctantly slid the gun towards the doctor who cleared it away behind her. The doctor then turned her head and called across her shoulder.

"Lieutenant Commander Anderson, we have an injured survivor over here! I need help getting her out from under this workstation." She turned back to Amelia and said "I think you've broken your collar bone and I want to reduce your movement so we'll move this workstation instead, ok?"

"Ok" Amelia said in almost a whisper, she was so exhausted now she couldn't have argued if she'd wanted to.

She heard more than saw, several pairs of large boots rush over to them; after some muffled talking that she couldn't make out, her cover – her safe haven for the last 2 days – was lifted up and out of sight.

"Lord, Karin, she's only a child, how the hell did she survive?!" a bassy American voice whispered.

"I have no idea, David, but she's a fighter, that's for sure." There was a hint of sorrow and admiration rolled together in the doctor's voice. "We need to get her onto the stretcher as gently as possible; she's been through enough pain to last a lifetime. Lift on 3...," the doctor addressed the marines.

She didn't feel the pain as she was lifted onto the stretcher, although she was sure there must have been some. All she focused on was the rhythmic rise and fall the doctor's voice made as she reassured her she would take care of her. She gave in to unconsciousness, just after they entered the shuttle...her part was done... for now.

**To Be Continued...**


	4. Chapter 4 - Life As She Knew It

**Life As She Knew It**

"_Little minds are tamed and subdued by misfortune,  
but great minds rise above them."__  
_– _Washington Irving_

* * *

Beep...beep...beep...

_Ugh god my head. _

Beep...beep...beep...

_What the hell is that annoying beep? _

Beep...beep...beep...

_Wait, where am I?_

She tried to get her bearings as consciousness slowly greeted her. What was the last thing she could remember?

-o-

_The movie theatre; Hailey had got back from their family holiday the day before and they had arranged a date at the movies. Her mum had made her take her sisters along; the irritating thirteen year old cling-ons...just what she wanted on a date with her girlfriend she hadn't seen in two weeks._

"_But mum, I'm going with Hailey, we're going to see a fifteen rated movie...they won't get in."_

"_Well then you shouldn't have bailed on them for the last two weeks should you? You and your friend will just have to go see something else that the girls can watch won't you."_

_Friend...she told her parent's she was gay when she was fourteen, two years later and her mum still referred to her girlfriend as 'a friend'. One of many reasons they never seemed to connect. It was like her mum didn't even want to understand the person her daughter was growing up to be. She was pretty sure her mum thought it was just a phase and still expected her to grow out of it._

_So here they were, about to watch a PG-13. Amelia looked at her girlfriend in the queue next to her, standing happily chatting away to her sisters. She knew Hailey had also been looking forward to their date and was clearly disappointed when she rang and told her of her mum's new plan. Yet you'd never guess it to look at her now, making the twins feel so welcome. How did I get so lucky?_

"_Baby, I'm just going to run to the bathroom, get me a popcorn and soda?" she kissed her girlfriend lightly on the lips and looked at her sisters "Behave!"_

"_Always," they chimed in unison...ugh, how that irritated her. Sometimes they were so in tune it was as if she had one sister not two: if only._

_She was just drying her hands when she heard the first screams, followed by a sound she knew all too well. The gun shots came fast and furious and she rushed out the door, without a second thought for her own safety._

_She entered the large foyer just in time to see Hailey's body slump to the floor beside her sisters' already lifeless bodies. Their executioner – a batarian – had a satisfied smirk on his face, that filled her with a boiling rage she had never before experienced._

_Before she realised what she was doing, her biotics were swirling around her as she sprinted at the batarian full pelt. With all the force she could muster she launched a biotic swirl at her target knocking him off balance and wrenching the shotgun from his hand. As the gun skidded across the floor, she took advantage of his unbalance and launched herself, shoulder first, into his torso, knocking him clean off his feet. She summoned what biotic power she had left, to pull the shotgun to her hand, and before the batarian knew what had hit him, she had blown his face off._

_She looked to her right and her knees buckled beneath her. Her beautiful Hailey, her innocent sisters, all lay in a pool of their own blood. She pulled Hailey to her, cradling her head in her lap. The once sparkling sapphire eyes of her girlfriend stared up at her, now empty, lifeless and cold. Her beautiful soul was gone. A blood curdling wail tore from her lips, as she felt her heart shatter into a million pieces and her life as she knew it changed irrevocably around her._

-o-

A tear rolled down her cheek as it all came flooding back to her; she fought the overwhelming current and pushed the memories back behind the door.

It was taking a lot of effort to open her eyes; wherever she was it was bright, which made it that little bit harder to focus. As her eyes adjusted, she could make out a figure walking towards her, bathed in light. As the figure got closer, the light created a halo effect…her angel.

"Hello Amelia, my name's Karin, do you remember me?"

Amelia tried to speak, but the words refused to leave her tongue, so she settled for a simple nod. A pain shot through her shoulder, although it wasn't as overpowering as before.

"Careful dear, you broke your collarbone and needed surgery to pin it. You'll need to minimise movement for a few weeks and then we will start with physical therapy."

The English angel lifted a straw to her lips and held the glass of water for her.

"Th-ank...you" Amelia managed to croak after sipping the water. "W-where?"

"You're on an Alliance medical transit; we're on our way to Vancouver, Earth."

"How long since…?" she fell silent, unable to say the words she was thinking.

"Since we found you? Four days, you were having some rather intense nightmares and thrashing around a lot in your sleep, so I sedated you to reduce damage to your shoulder. How do you feel?" The kind faced doctor sat in a chair beside her, clearly one that had been occupied for some time.

"Broken…" the word slipped from her lips without permission and a tear betrayed her fight for composure. What was it about this woman that made her unable to hide?

Karin leaned forward and gently stroked her cheek, wiping the tear away. She tried to fight it, but felt compelled to meet the doctor's gaze. As she looked into her eyes, she was surprised to see that it was not pity she found, but admiration, respect, compassion and an offer of strength.

* * *

As the physical therapist left, a nurse entered to tell Amelia that the psych evaluator was here to see her. She had been dreading this; she was at the mercy of some quack. If she opened up and told him the stuff she'd told Karin, she wouldn't be able to keep the composure she needed to show him, but if she clammed up, he'd think she was in denial. Either way she was screwed, and would surely be thrown into the system labelled as 'broken'.

She'd wanted so many times, over the last few weeks, to ask Karin to let her stay with her, she felt so safe and at ease with her. But she knew Karin was a military career woman, as if she'd want some random kid hanging round her ankles, although a voice in the back of her head did keep nagging.

_Why would she still be here? Why would she come see you for hours every day if she didn't care?_

_Shut up, you're being stupid; she's just doing her job._

_Yeah I'm sure she visits all her patients that no longer need her care, for 2 hours every day…_

She took a deep breath, she still wasn't sure how she was going to deal with this quack, but either way, it was judgement day.

* * *

"You cannot just dump her into a children's psych facility; she'll get lost in the system and never recover." Karin made no attempt to hide her anger, in either her tone or body language. How could this clueless fool make such a damning decision on a young girl's life, after meeting with her just once.

"She is clearly disturbed; most of the time she refused to disclose anything, and when she does it is in outbursts of rage. She threw me across the room with her biotics, she is volatile and far too unstable to put forward for fostering." His thick Canadian accent held a condescending and judgemental tone.

"_Disturbed? __She watched her family and most of her colony massacred, and had to resort to murder herself, to survive. Of course she's bloody disturbed, you pompous prat! And her outburst was your own _fault; what did you expect to accomplish by suggesting she could have done more to save her sisters and girlfriend?_ I demand a second opinion." She rarely swore, not even mildly and she name-called even less, but this imbecile was pushing all the wrong buttons._

"Well unluckily for you, you have no guardianship rights to request that. She is still a minor with no living relatives, therefore she is officially under the care of the Social Services Agency, for which I am her direct contact."

"_I_ could take her? We've connected, she would be safe with me," she was practically pleading with him.

"Yes, because a military doctor, who is regularly away on assignment for weeks on end, would provide a wonderfully stable and supportive environment, for such an unstable child…I suggest you say your goodbyes tonight, she will be moved first thing tomorrow morning. Good day Doctor."

Karin slumped into one of the chairs in the corridor and put her head in her hands. She couldn't let this happen, how could he do this to the poor girl? For reasons she could not fully explain, she had grown so attached to Amelia and cared for her so dearly already. Her breathing became uneven and tears threatened to crack her mask of calm.

"Karin?" She turned to see the teen she had spent the last three weeks with. She looked so small, so scared, how much had she heard?

She took a second to reapply the mask, then smiled and said "Amelia…I thought you were asleep."

"Is he really going to take me?" her voice was laced with fear.

"I…" what could she say? Amelia had clearly heard enough to understand the situation, and she was a smart girl.

"Please don't let him take me Karin; I want to stay with you. _Please Karin." _

To hear the heartache and desperation coming from this child she had grown so close to, was too much even for her mask. She rushed over to her and pulled her into a hug, as the child fell apart in her arms, a tear rolled down her own cheek. She whispered words of reassurance, as much for herself as for Amelia.

"I won't let him take you, I'll work something out, I promise."

_Yes that's wonderful Karin, make a promise you can't possibly keep, that will make it so much easier for her._

_I can keep it, I have to!_

_How?_

_I don't know...wait, Steven!_

_Hmm, worth a try._

* * *

"Steven, you have to do something!"

"Karin, getting promoted to admiral doesn't make me head of the SSA; what do you expect me to do?" His voice was level and calm as ever, but she knew him well and could hear the underlying apologetic tone, which calmed her, it wasn't his fault after all.

"I don't know, but I can't let them do this. She's a smart, strong and caring person Steven, this will destroy her. She has such potential to do amazing things, given the chance."

"Hmmm…potential?"

"What?"

"The Alliance like potential…you said she has biotic abilities and used them to stay alive?" His words had a curious tone and a glimmer of hope sparked inside her.

"Yes, there is footage of her disarming a batarian, knocking him down and shooting him with his own gun. I'll send it to you." She sent it immediately; if something was to be done it had to be done now. There were only eight hours until they would come for Amelia.

"Received, give me a second," the second felt like an eternity, time was not on her side, and she felt every passing moment. "That's damned impressive. Does she have a bio-amp yet?"

"No, she hadn't wanted to leave the colony and go to 'brain camp', so had refused to develop her biotics."

"She did that without an amp?" he said incredulously. "Ok, I definitely have grounds to intervene. The Alliance cannot ignore the potential she shows, with the right guidance she could be a very valuable asset. The Alliance would not want to let such potential get lost in the system; we would want to ensure she was placed under suitable guardianship, until she was old enough to enlist…"

As his plan revealed itself to her, Karin couldn't contain her joy, "Steven Hackett, you are a genius! I could kiss you right now."

"It does of course come with a catch; she'll have to willingly embrace her biotics, accept an amp and train to have complete control of them by the time she enlists."

"I am certain she will consider that a small price to pay, given her alternative. Now get on with arranging it, we have less than 8 hours until they come for her!"

His mouth twitched at the corners, "Yes ma'am."

She smiled at him, "I love you."

He gave an acknowledging nod, "Hackett out."

She shook her head and smirked. She was not delusional, he loved her, but she knew they would never be more than they were. She would always be his mistress, he was married to the military and always would be. It didn't sadden her too much though; she had her own career which she loved, and now…now she would have Amelia. She couldn't resist the smile that spread across her face and she headed back to Amelia's room.

* * *

Stepping into the Alliance shooting range was harder than she had thought it would be; she couldn't help but think back to Johnas and the fun they used to have, when he was on shore leave.

She adored them both, but her dad and uncle were polar opposites of each other. Her dad, a consultant for Conatix Industries, specialised in the development of biotic implants. So of course he was overjoyed when her own abilities manifested.

Johnas, however, was an outdoor, hands on kind of guy and so loved doing the practical things. Taking her camping, showing her survival skills, target practice at the range or with tin cans in the forest. Then there were the assault courses – her mother would have killed them both if she'd known about them! She never imagined all of that would save her life. If only she hadn't gone to the bathroom, if she'd been there in the foyer with them.

_I could have saved them...I should have saved them._

It had been three months to the day since the attack. Anderson had wanted to take her mind off things so he'd offered to bring her down to the shooting range before she met Karin for lunch. They may have entered her life by being her rescuers, but they had become so much more. Her guardians; she had a great deal of respect for Lieutenant Commander David Anderson, he reminded her so much of her uncle. A loyal, strong and dedicated military man, with an unmistakable soft spot for her.

With Karin it was different. She had been her strength when she was at her weakest; she had fought tooth and nail to keep her with her, loved her, a mother figure when she needed it most. Karin never tried to push the relationship, it just developed naturally. They were so close, she felt she could talk to Karin, trust her with things she never would have spoken to her own mother about. Not that she didn't love her mother, but she never really connected with her, not like the twins did. She had most definitely been her father's daughter.

Her brow furrowed and she pushed the memories back behind the wall and shut the door. It wasn't that she never thought about her family; just that she tried to restrict it to moments when she could mourn in private. Now was not one of those moments.

"So kid, what 'ya gonna go for, Predator or Carnifex? Anderson said, drawing her out of her thoughts.

"Errm, well, the gun Johnas let me use was the Predator, but he had said, on his next shore leave, he'd let me try the Carnifex." She had mentioned her uncle to Anderson before, but she wasn't sure if he knew the details of what had happened. "He…his squad was ambushed by that xenophobic terrorist group during a routine patrol."

"Yes, I read he was lost in action. The report said it was his brave actions that saved the lives of half his squad. I know it's hard, child, but try to take consolation in the knowledge that he was a true hero." The tone in his voice alone told her this was a man that knew loss all too well. How many comrades had he watched fall at his side? Did he also shoulder survivor's guilt as she did?

When Johnas' best friend arrived at their door, in his blue dress uniform, last autumn, she hadn't needed to hear the words to know why he was there. Her uncle had never babied her with false reassurance; she knew he was on the front line, that he had had many near misses, and that there would be more….or not.

But he never faulted; he truly believed in what he did, never once did he question if it was worth putting his life on the line to protect the innocent.

The ghost of a smile brushed her lips. She knew he was a hero; that he wouldn't have gone down without a fight. But to hear a man such as Anderson confirm it, that his sacrifice had been worth it... "The Carnifex."

Just as she finished putting the Carnifex back together, her omni-tool bleeped. She opened the message from Karin hoping she wasn't cancelling lunch. Karin's shore leave had ended a week ago and they hadn't seen each other since.

Granted, once Karin and Anderson were officially given guardianship of her, Karin had taken an extended shore leave and they'd had twelve weeks together, before Karin had to attend a mandatory annual training course. Plus, she had been distracted herself; she'd received her L3 bio-amp three weeks ago and had spent the last two weeks on a one-to-one intensive biotics training regime.

When Karin had told her the 'catch' for being able to stay with her, she hadn't even hesitated for a moment. The attack had awakened her own awareness that she needed to unlock the potential she had, and it was definitely preferable to her other option. But she couldn't deny she was damn thankful to the kid that caused the incident that got 'brain camp' shutdown two months earlier!

-o-

_Amelia dear,_

_Don't panic I'm not cancelling! However, I wanted to warn you, I have a friend joining us for drinks after lunch, I hope that's ok! She's an old friend from my academy training and I bumped into her on the transport back to Earth. Her son Jeff will also be coming; he's only a year younger than you and is also wanting to enlist when he's old enough._

_Hope you had fun with David this morning. Looking forward to seeing you!_

_K_

-o-

She chuckled at the opening line of the message, Karin knew her so well already. Then she frowned, this Jeff kid better not be some annoying smart mouth. It would be nice to know someone, maybe make a friend, before starting at the academy though.

She finished assembling her gun and handed it in at the front desk. She ran to catch up with Anderson at the transportation hub. She didn't know this area of Vancouver as well as the area around Karin's apartment, so didn't fancy losing him.

They jumped into the first free cab and headed to lunch. All things considered, this was turning out to be a good day.

**To Be Continued...**

* * *

**AN: **Once again, hope you guys like this new chapter. Knowing people are enjoying it and hearing what they think keeps me motivated to keep going so please take a moment to comment!

As always thanks to elmjuniper for her help and encouragement

Also please feel free to find me on devArt under the same username!


	5. Chapter 5 - Chip

**Chip**

"_Nothing is predestined: The obstacles of your past can_

_become the gateways that lead to new beginnings."_

– _Ralph Blum_

* * *

Whatever she'd expected this Jeff kid to be like, reality was not even remotely in line with her expectations. As the scrawny kid hobbled through the restaurant door with leg bracers and crutches, she whispered to Karin, "What's wrong with him?"

"He has Vrolik syndrome. It causes his bones to be extremely brittle. He can barely sneeze without cracking a rib." If it hadn't been for the sincere tone in Karin's voice, Amelia would have laughed.

"And he plans to enlist?" she wasn't trying to be an ass, but looking at the boy hobbling towards her, she could in no way imagine him as a marine.

"Not everyone that enlists wants to be on the frontline. There are a lot of critical non-combat roles that The Alliance would be non-functional without." Despite the warm tone to Karin's voice, Amelia definitely felt like an ignorant ass now.

"Yeah, I guess; what does he want to do?"

"He wants to be a pilot. He's largely grown up on Arcturus Station; his mother's a civilian contractor, so he's grown up around ships."

"Civilian? I thought you two met in the academy?"

"We did, but when she had Jeff she retired from the Alliance. I think a lot of the pilots loved how interested he was in flying, so taught him to fly at an early age, he's apparently very good."

"It's cool, that he's not letting his disability stop him from doing what he wants to," there was a hint of admiration in her voice that made Karin smile.

Karin waved to catch her friend's attention from across the restaurant. As they reached the table Karin and the other woman hugged, "Oh I'm so glad you could make it Sarah."

"Me too Karin, it's so lovely to see you, how long has it been?" the other woman said with a warm American twang.

"Too long my friend."

As the boy - Jeff, got closer to the table, Amelia moved round to the chair in the corner, freeing up her chair which had easiest access for him.

He glared at her and said "I don't need a carer, I can choose my own seat."

She rolled her eyes. _Oh joy, an attitude..._

"Jeff don't be so rude, she was just being considerate," his mother said looking apologetically at Amelia, clearly embarrassed by her son's behaviour.

"It's ok" Amelia smiled at Sarah.

"You must be Amelia. Karin told me so much about you on the transport back to Earth; it's lovely to meet you."

The thought that Karin had talked about her, that she was that important to Karin, that her friend was pleased to meet her, put a huge smile and slight blush on Amelia's face. "Thank you, I'm at a bit of a disadvantage, but it's nice to meet you too."

As Karin and Sarah began to talk among themselves, Amelia decided to break the awkward silence that had fallen between her and Mr. Attitude. "So, Karin said you plan to enlist with The Alliance too."

"Yeah, what of it?" a defensive tone dripped off his words.

_Oh this is going to be fun..._ "You wanna be a pilot right? Karin said you're quite good already."

He snorted "Not what you expected from a cripple?"

_Ok, that's enough!_ "Can I help you with that chip?" she said putting as genuine a tone in her voice as she could.

"What? What chip?" He sounded confused which was what she was hoping for.

"That big one on your shoulder," she said with a smirk on a her face and a glint in her eye. Gotcha!

At that he couldn't help but laugh, "Yeah, please it's getting a bit heavy." And just like that his defensive attitude dissipated.

"So, how did you end up with Doctor Chakwas as your guardian?" he asked; she could tell from the way he asked that he genuinely had no idea.

"Oh, it's a funny story actually. She found me after my family and friends were massacred by batarian slavers, saved my life and took me in; you know, the usual." She kept a light tone to her voice, no point making up a story, but she wasn't looking for a sympathy vote any more than he was, and she wanted to make that clear to him.

He didn't miss her point and replied in an equally light tone "Ahh that old story. So what's going to be your specialty when you enlist?"

"I'm a biotic, so vanguard class marine, got my L3 bio-amp three weeks ago," she surprised herself with the pride in her voice. She had a specialty, and she was advancing in her training at an impressive rate.

"Ugh, biotics, always stealing the limelight from those with real disabilities," he mocked.

"Coming from 'I don't need a carer' boy," she returned teasingly. "So you live on a space station then? That must be cool."

"Yeah me and mom moved there when her and dad split five years ago. I love it, wasn't exactly an outdoor kinda kid anyway, and I got to learn to fly which is awesome. I can fly circles around half the commercial pilots now, which is good cos I'll need to be the best to be considered for flight school, seen as I'll have to skip all the physical stuff in boot camp.

"Ah, I wondered how you'd get round that. Well hopefully you're as good as you are cocky," she smirked "So where's your dad then?"

"He runs a farm with his new wife on Tiptree, a tiny colony out in the ass-end of nowhere; I don't really have much contact with him, but he comm'd me the other week to tell me I'm gonna be a big brother." Amelia could here confliction in his voice, pride and irritation crashing like waves, both trying to gain advantage.

"I had thirteen year old twin sisters; they were executed along with my girlfriend while we were waiting to see a movie." Amelia was surprised at her own admission, she'd wanted to help Jeff see that having a sibling on the way was a good thing, but she hadn't intended to add such personal details.

"_What the shit_? That's…" he trailed off, clearly unsure what to say.

"Sorry, I just...you're lucky, to have a sibling, enjoy it." she said with a melancholy smile.

"Yeah, perspective, thanks." he said with a warmth in his tone. "So I'm guessing you don't wanna go see a retro showing of Star Wars with me then?" he said feigning ignorance.

She laughed; his dark humour was a refreshing change from the usual reactions of pity and awkward silences. "Tell you what Chip, I'll go to the movies with you if you come bowling with me…"

"Ha, yeah that would so end up with a medevac," he said with amusement.

"Ooo sounds fun," she mocked.

They sat and chatted about plans for the future for another hour, they didn't need to talk about the past, but the future, that was something they had in common.

* * *

From where Amelia sat in the corner of the mess hall, she had a great vantage point to overlook the rest of the room. It was something Anderson had ingrained in her from early on: _have control of the situation before you even know there is one._

Her table was otherwise unoccupied, which she was getting used to; it was the end of her first week at the Academy and she was yet to make a single friend. She had hoped she'd be able to start with a clean slate, but she'd heard the whispers, her past made her infamous; a freak.

The story varied depending who was telling it; one of the more fanciful versions she'd heard, told of how she ripped twenty batarians apart with nothing but her biotics. Those stories amused her; she could have barely managed to rip a piece of paper apart back then, let alone a batarian.

But then there were the malicious versions: she was a coward that sacrificed her family so she could escape, and that she only got accepted into the Academy because she got the sympathy vote from her conveniently well connected guardians.

Those stories made her blood boil; she'd had to work damn hard to get here. If anything, having the connections had made it more of a challenge, they expected so much more from her, and she worked so hard, to make sure she wouldn't disappoint the most important people in her life.

Amelia was so lost in her thoughts when the recruit sat down opposite her, that she jumped and nearly threw her tray off the table.

_So much for having control of the situation..._

_Oh shut up!_

"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you jump." the recruit said trying to hide a smirk.

"Errr, no worries, I was just...not used to anyone actually join me." Amelia cringed as she heard the words that had rolled off her tongue.

_Yeah, good job, go for the 'Hey, my name's pathetic' line with the hot girl that's paying you attention. That'll definitely work in our favour._

_Will you give it a re...hot girl?_

_Good Lord where is your head at? Focus marine!_

As she focused on the girl opposite her, she realised that the girl wasn't just hot, she was stunning. Not a skerrick of makeup on, as was standard for all recruits, and yet she was the most beautiful thing Amelia had seen since...Hailey.

_You're staring..._

_Shit, thanks._

"Sorry, I'm totally forgetting my manners, Amelia – I mean Shepard."

_Wow you managed your name, well done!_

The recruit smiled and Amelia was sure the room got brighter. "That's a lovely name: Amelia – not Shepard...oh errm - not that Shepard is a horrible name." the recruit blushed profusely and Amelia took advantage of that moment to regain some dignity.

"Well it's not exactly a name for the history books, but I'm ok with it. I might forgive you, if you allow me the same opportunity to ridicule your name?" her cheeky grin clearly put the recruit at ease.

"Jennifer Keen" she said holding out her hand and smiling.

Amelia took her hand as she said "Nice to meet you Jennifer."

* * *

"So we could go to the movies? There's a new one out I really want to see, God what was the name again?" Jen said enthusiastically.

Shepard's stomach churned at the suggestion, she hadn't stepped foot in a movie theatre since that day, and she didn't plan to either. "Errm, I'd rather not, I'm not a big fan of them," she said awkwardly.

"But you've happily watched movies with me in dorm. Shepard, if you don't want to go out you can just say, it's ok." Although she tried to hide it, Shepard could hear a hint of insecurity in Jen's voice.

"No Jen that's not it, I...it's"

_Tell her._

_Why? She doesn't need to know about that shit, it's history._

_Of course she needs to know; you can't have a functioning relationship and keep this stuff locked away from her._

_A functioning relationship? It's our fifth date…_

_You know that's not the point, it sets a precedent. Tell her…_

"It's just that I get really bad headaches from the big screen, so I avoid going to see movies in the theatre. You know, I think the bowling alley reopened from its refurb last week."

_Idiot…_

_Piss off already._

"Oh, ok. Yeah I guess bad headaches would kinda take the enjoyment out of it." Jen visibly relaxed and gave her a sympathetic look before smiling, "bowling sounds good."

* * *

As the shuttle landed in Whistler, Amelia stirred and then jumped when she realised she'd fallen asleep. End of semester celebrations had allowed very little sleep and apparently the one hour transport hop had proved too tempting to decline a quick nap.

She stretched and shook her head to clear the sleep fog, the shuttle door hissed and opened outward, allowing a cold gust of crisp air to rush in and slap Amelia around the face, as if to intentionally help wake her up. Intentional or not, it worked.

She grabbed her duffle bag from the luggage store and stepped out into the cold fresh air. She took a deep breath, there was something about the air in Whistler that felt so pure, untainted by the modern world. She shielded her eyes from the dazzling sun as it reflected off the pristine snow. Her third time here and every time felt as magical as the last. Yup, this was definitely her favourite place on Earth.

As the projectile sailed past the back of her head, missing by only an inch, she ducked and spun around, just in time to react to the next incoming shot. As she dived for cover behind the nearest tree, she scanned the area for her attacker, when she locked eyes on him she readied herself for battle.

Crouching lower she scooped up a handful of snow and began to mould a perfect ball shape, making sure not to pack it too tight, but tight enough that it would hold together well in flight.

"You're losing your touch Moreau, you had a perfect chance with that first shot, now you're dead." she shouted across the space between them goading him to reveal himself.

"Ha, I'm losing my touch? That's coming from the bad ass marine that almost got taken out by a cripple. I thought you were better than that Lia," he yelled back with a mocking tone.

Just as she was about to launch her attack with her now perfect projectile, a familiar voice broke the silence.

"When you two children have quite finished, we have a cab waiting to take us back to the cabin." Amusement rang through the feigned irritation in the sharp English accent.

Amelia smiled at the sound of her guardian and stepped out from behind the tree, when she looked over to where Jeff had been she realised he was gone, she'd barely taken three steps when she was hit dead centre of her left cheek.

_Wow you let him flank you, good work soldier…_

_Screw you, it's not like you were any help._

_I'm not here to help, I'm here to mock you._

_Ugh!_

"You're dead you little shit" as she raised her arm to plant the projectile she still held, Karin crossed her path blocking her line of sight, no way she was gonna make that shot without risking hitting Karin. "Damn it Karin, let me at him."

"Later, Sarah has dinner on, which will be ready in 20 minutes and it's a 15 minute ride back."

"Ugh, saved by the Doctor Moreau...this time." Amelia shouted over Karin's shoulder.

She ran back to grab her duffle bag then walked over to her guardian and hugged her, "Great to see you Karin."

"You too dear," Karin said kissing her on her right cheek and stroking her left, which was still red from the attack.

Jeff joined them as they walked to the cab; he looked across Karin giving Amelia a cheeky but warm smile. "Missed you Lia."

"Missed you too Chip, even though you are a dick," she said with a grin.

When they arrived at the Moreau's family cabin Amelia smiled, as beautiful as ever. The little dock covered in frost, glistening in the sun, the frozen lake begging to be skated on, the stunning snow covered mountains the perfect backdrop for this little piece of heaven, where the four of them had spent the last two Christmases together.

As she entered the warm log cabin, amazing smells overwhelmed her senses, making her realise just how hungry she was. "God that smells amazing Sarah."

"Oh Amelia love, how are you?" Sarah said hugging her.

"So much better for being here, I somehow forgot how perfect this place is. It's absolutely my favourite place on Earth."

"Yeah cos you've seen so much of it, colony girl." Jeff ribbed from the sofa in front of the roaring fire.

"I could see every centimeter of this planet and I guarantee this will still be my favourite place." she said sticking her tongue out at him.

Sarah smiled warmly, "I totally agree Amelia, it's just perfect here."

Amelia began taking the food to the beautifully set oak table. Stepping into this cabin was like stepping back in time to a twenty first century Christmas film, and she loved it.

They ate, drank, talked and laughed all night,; once the oldies went to bed Jeff got out an old chess set, one they had played together many times. Neither of them could proclaim to be chess champions, but they were of similar skill level, which allowed them both to believe they were better than reality knew.

"You up for a challenge Lia? A shot of brandy for every piece lost?" Jeff goaded.

"Pfft, marines drink brandy with their cereal, bring it on Chip."

They played and drank well into the night, until the brandy ran out. They stumbled to their bedrooms arguing in whispers as they went over who would have won had the brandy not run dry. They parted and both fell into a deep slumber, this was a good place, shielded from the rest of the world, full of happiness for them both.

* * *

As they stood in Vancouver transport hub a tinny voice came over the tannoy "Commuter transport to Arcturus Station departing from dock D8 in five minutes."

"God Shepard, I can't believe it's the end of our first year already. It sucks we're not going to see each other all summer; I'm going to miss you like mad." Jen said with her head resting on Shepard's shoulder, arms wrapped round her waist.

"I know, I'm going to miss you too baby, but we both know, this summer position Jeff's mom got me on Arcturus is a great opportunity. How else are we going to get the deposit for an off campus apartment?" Shepard, didn't like the idea of not seeing Jen for almost two months either, but she was also looking forward to having two months with Jeff, they hadn't seen each other since Christmas.

"Yeah yeah, you'll be having too much fun causing trouble with Jeff to miss me. I feel sorry for the rest of Arcturus for the next two months!" she said playfully.

"Hey I _will_ miss you, but yeah, I kinda pity the rest of them too," Shepard chuckled.

The tinny voice on the tannoy interrupted them again, "Final call for commuter transport, destination Arcturus Station departing from dock D8 in two minutes."

Jen reluctantly loosened her grip and lifted her head to look at Shepard, she slid one hand up Shepard's collarbone and round to the back of her head. Weaving her fingers through her long copper hair, she pulled her head lower as she tiptoed to bring their lips together. Jen gently brushed her lips against her girlfriend's, Shepard pressed back in reply and brushed her tongue along Jen's bottom lip, Jen accepted the so very familiar request and their tongues danced a well-practiced dance.

Shepard reluctantly pulled back with a frustrated sigh, "You're not helping you know," she said with a chuckle.

"I'm not trying to," Jen replied mischievously.

"Yup, _definitely_ can't wait to have our own place next year." Shepard said with a cheeky smile, "and definitely gonna miss you." she said looking at Jen adoringly.

Jen looked deep into her emerald eyes, "I love you Amelia Shepard."

"Me too." Shepard replied still smiling.

_Are you ever going to actually say it back to her?_

_I do…_

_No, you say 'me too' or 'ditto'. You only ever say 'I love you' when you're drunk._

_So, she knows I love her._

_Does she? I'm not even convinced you do._

_Well luckily no one asked you._

"Right I really have to go before my transport leaves without me. I'll vid-com you when I arrive ok?"

"You better." Jen said sternly.

They kissed once more, then Shepard grabbed her bag and jumped on the transport ship.

Shepard moved through the decks and found her quarters; the cabin was tiny, but considering she had been sleeping dorm style with thirty other recruits for the last nine months, the privacy was a luxury, however little space there was.

It was a late transport and she'd had a busy day; the journey would take three days from here in a slow transport like this one, so exploring the ship could wait until morning. As soon as her head hit the pillow, she was out like a light.

* * *

"What do you mean they declined your application to flight school?" Amelia said infuriated.

"They didn't consider my flight display to be impressive enough to warrant waiving boot camp." Jeff said totally deflated.

"Not impressive enough?" she said incredulously, "you're the best damn pilot on this space station, and you're not even a pilot!"

"Yeah, well they had all these rules of stuff you couldn't do during your flight test, I was the first one up and didn't wanna risk getting disqualified, so kept it within the rules. But when the others went up, the ones that qualified were the ones that broke the rules."

"Ah shit Jeff; you don't follow the rules if you wanna get noticed, and you need to be noticed and stand out from the crowd. You need to show them you're the best damn pilot they'll ever recruit," Amelia said frustrated.

The way the system worked sucked, they gave you rules, but if you weren't willing to break them to prove yourself, then you clearly didn't want it bad enough. She kicked herself for not having told Jeff that. "Are the recruitment reps still here?"

"Yeah, they're leaving this afternoon, why?" he said disheartened.

"Great, plenty of time to prove to them how good you really are" Amelia said slyly.

"What are you up to?" he said cautiously, yet curious.

"Like I said, you don't get anywhere in The Alliance without breaking a few rules, we're going to steal one of those test fighters." she said smugly.

"What the shit Lia? There's breaking the rules and then there's breaking the law!" he sat with his jaw open in shock at her suggestion.

"You want in The Alliance or not Chip?" she goaded.

"Ah, shit…you know my mom's gonna kill us," he sighed "Ok, what's the plan?"

-o-

As the alarm sounded and the station went into alert Amelia smirked, she could get court martialled for this, but she didn't care, this was for Jeff, and she'd do anything for her best friend; so she sat back to watch the show.

-o-

"Report Lieutenant." the gruff voice of Captain Jerrico demanded. The man in charge of The Alliance flight school selection was not a man to be messed with.

The Lieutenant manning docking control replied "Captain, we have an unauthorised departure of one of the fighters used in the applicant demonstrations."

"Open a com channel," Jerrico ordered.

"Aye Sir, line open."

"This is Captain Jerrico, identify yourself."

"_This is Jeff Moreau Sir,"_ the nerves were evident in his voice as he spoke over the comms.

Muting the com the Captain turned to look at his second in command, Major Warner, "Moreau...wasn't that the name of one of the applicants from yesterday?"

"Yes Sir, I believe he is the applicant that has a brittle bone disorder so would need to skip boot camp; his application was declined." she replied, a little unnerved at the whole situation.

Jerrico unmuted the com, "What the hell are you playing at Moreau, your application was declined."

"_Yes Sir, because I was naive enough to think playing by the rules would work in my favour. Now I'm going to show you what I'm capable of without rules, because I'm the best damn pilot you'll ever recruit Sir."_ this time he spoke with confidence.

The Captain's mouth twitched at the edges, he didn't condone breaking the law, but he couldn't help but admire the balls on this kid. "You sure as hell better deliver Moreau, or I _will _be leaving you at the mercy of station security; you have five minutes to prove your worth."

"Thank you Sir, but I'll only need two to convince you."

-o-

As Amelia watched through the panoramic observation window at the mesmerizing display her best friend put on, she registered the crowds that were forming around her; people coming to watch this boy pull off some of the most complex manoeuvres one after the other, like it was nothing. She beamed with pride and whispered "attaboy."

-o-

The Captain stood watching in amazement as this boy pulled off such an impressive display, he was struggling to come up with names of experienced pilots that could pull off what he was seeing before him. "How the hell did we miss this kid?" he demanded incredulously to his second.

"Well, errm, his test flight was, he, errm kept to the rules you set for them. I suppose he didn't want to risk being disqualified." she said uneasily, she hated the way Jerrico selected recruits, it was stupid to discount people that stuck to rules _he_ set for them, and this boy was a perfect example why.

"Hmm, well get his application and mark is as accepted. I'm not letting a kid with those skills go anywhere but into The Alliance."

"Yes Sir."

* * *

"Baby have you seen my red heels?" Jen called from the bedroom.

Shepard rolled her eyes, how that woman took three times as long as she did to get ready was beyond her. "They're in the closet where you left them," she worked hard to keep the annoyance out of her voice.

"Got them, thank you. Ta-dah," the voice said from the bedroom door.

As Shepard looked up from where she sat on the couch she stopped and stared. _Totally worth the wait..._

"Wow...you look, incredible." Shepard managed to say, with a look of awe.

Jen bounded over to her, best as her ridiculously high heels would allow and flung herself onto Shepard's lap "Why thank you, you scrub up pretty well yourself." She said with a look of adoration.

"Damn it woman, all I want to do now is get you out of that dress." Shepard said playfully as she reached round for the zipper on the dress.

Jen slapped her hand away "Not a chance. We're finally celebrating our graduation, already two weeks late, thanks to the reservation waiting list at this place, no way this dress is going anywhere, until dessert." she said with a seductive edge.

Shepard growled into the crook of her neck, "Then we'd better get going before I can't control myself."

"Oh I left my purse in the bedroom; I'll be back in a second I promise."

Shepard rolled her eyes as she watched her girlfriend run off back to the bedroom. Just as she stood up her omni-tool pinged, she had an incoming vid-com. Odd for this time of night, but when she saw the caller ID she answered with a smile, one of her two favourite people in the galaxy.

"Karin, I wasn't expecting to hear from you until tomorrow. How's…"

"Amelia." Karin interrupted her with a trembling voice; Shepard fell silent as the look on Karin's face registered.

"What's wrong?" she said apprehensively.

Karin, took a deep breath and Amelia could see that she was steeling herself for what she was about to say; something was very wrong.

When the woman she loved like a mother met her gaze again, there was such sadness in her moss green eyes, that Amelia found a lump forming in her throat. The last time she'd seen that look in Karin's eyes, was back in the hospital after the quack had condemned Amelia to be committed. It was a look filled with sadness, helplessness and desperation.

"Karin, what's happened?" Amelia said, unable to keep the tremble from her voice.

-o-

As Jen walked back out from the bedroom, she scanned the large open plan apartment for Shepard; she'd expect to find her by the front door, tapping her foot dramatically. When she saw her girlfriend sat rigid and motionless on the couch, an uneasy feeling crept over her.

As she moved closer she realised Shepard had a vid-com link open on her omni-tool, but she couldn't make out who it was from where she stood. As she got closer she saw the familiar face of Karin Chakwas, and when she was close enough to make out the expression on Karin's face, Jen froze. Something was wrong, she looked to Shepard with concern and saw pain and sorrow etched on her face; it was a strange sight, she'd never before seen such raw emotions oose so freely from her girlfriend, and it almost scared her to see.

"Shepard? What's wrong?" she wanted to run over to her girlfriend and hug her, comfort her, but she knew Shepard wouldn't want it, so she stayed frozen in place, staring at her.

Shepard closed her eyes, and clenched her jaw together so tight, Jen was sure her teeth would shatter. Then Shepard whispered something so quiet, that if Jen hadn't been studying her face she would have missed it.

"Oh God, Jeff…"

**To Be Continued...**

* * *

**AN: **Hey Guys,

Sorry it's been a bit more than a week on this one, I got really stuck on where to take this for a while, as wanting to cover three years in one chapter seemed like a mean feat. I think I pulled it off, I just hope I got it across without confusing you!

I can't thank elm for beta reading this time cos she's gone on holiday (that girl so needs to get her priorities straight!), however big thanks to my mum for proof reading again for me! But I can thanks elm for motivating me!

Want to see what has Karin and Amelia in such emotional turmoil? Then come back next week! ;-)

Please keep commenting, you don't even need an account to leave feedback, and I do love to hear what people think.


	6. Chapter 6 - Grief and Love

**Grief and Love**

"_Grief, no matter where it comes from,_

_can only be resolved by connecting to other people."_

_- Thomas Horn_

* * *

"What the hell do you think this is Shepard, a holiday camp?" boomed the baritone voice of her Commanding Officer.

"Sir, no Sir."

"But you still think it's reasonable, to request a leave of absence, two weeks after you graduate?"

"He's my best friend Sir, I have to be at the funeral."

"He may be your best friend, but The Alliance is your life, or have you forgotten that marine?"

"Sir, no Sir, I have not forgotten that." Amelia was getting desperate, _desperate times..._ "Permission to speak freely Sir?"

"You have thirty seconds,"

"Are you familiar with the court martial proceedings Sir?"

"I am, why?" his voice had a hint of curiosity in it, which was what she was hoping for.

"Because Major, The Alliance ingrains in us the importance of loyalty and sticking together through the toughest times. It is that ethos I am following Sir. So if you won't give me permission, then you will have to court martial me for deserting, because I _will_ be at that funeral. Sir."

It was taking all of her concentration to keep the quake out of her voice. Insubordination was not on the top of her to do list, but this was Jeff, she _had_ to go.

"Heh, you've got balls Shepard, and you pose a fair argument," he said with amusement in his voice. "There won't be a court martial today, permission for compassionate leave granted. You and Second Lieutenant Keen have 3 days. Dismissed."

Shepard froze, _shit._

"I'm sorry Sir, I obviously wasn't clear when making my request. The request was solely for myself, not for Second Lieutenant Keen."

"Your request was clear Shepard; I amended it. Let's call sending Keen with you an insurance policy to ensure your ass is back where it should be on time. I would have thought you'd be happy to have your girlfriend with you."

"Yes Sir, it's just...the squad will be two marines down instead of one, I guarantee I will be back here on time."

"Shepard, I've given you the leave you requested. This isn't a negotiation, take the deal or leave it."

"Yes Sir, thank you Sir." Shepard saluted, turned and left.

_Shit!_

_This may be a silly question, but why don't you want our girlfriend there to support us?_

_I just don't._

_Hmm, yes, very strong argument…_

_It'll be...Jeff's Lia at the funeral._

_And you've only let Jen fall in love with Second Lieutenant Shepard._

_Yup._

_Not that I have any desire to say I told you so…_

_But you're going to anyway..._

_Well, it feels really appropriate to bring up that conversation we had about setting a precedent..._

_You're so helpful…_

_I try._

* * *

They'd travelled in silence most of the journey to Whistler.

"It's beautiful here. We should both come here for Christmas this year," Jen said as she stared out the window at the stunning landscape.

"Maybe," was all Shepard replied, not wanting to commit to anything right now.

Jen was right though, Whistler was like an example of what a perfect Earth would look like. Amelia hadn't thought it could get any more breathtaking than it was in the winter snow, but seeing it through an autumn lens, she realised she had been wrong.

Gone was the winter's white blanket that her and Jeff had had many a snowball fight in. In it's place was a beautiful patchwork quilt of autumn leaves.

As the cab came to a stop, Amelia scanned the mourning crowd gathering outside the cabin. She caught sight of Karin almost immediately. Even from this distance she could see the grief etched on Karin's face, betraying her usual mask of calm.

Amelia climbed out the cab, straightened her blue dress uniform and started walking towards Karin. She didn't even check on Jen, her Shepard was not here, today she was Karin and Jeff's Amelia and that was all that mattered.

The closer Amelia got to Karin, the further her guardian's mask slipped. When she reached her, Amelia pulled Karin into an embrace. The last thread holding her mask gave way and the calm shattered.

After a minute Karin's silent sobs subsided and she began to regain some composure.

Accepting a tissue from Amelia she smiled and said "Look what you did, I was fine until you arrived."

Amelia chuckled, "Liar."

Karin then looked over Amelia's shoulder, "Oh Jen dear, I didn't realise you would be coming too, it's lovely to see you. Sorry I made such a scene."

Jen moved forward and hugged Karin, "Please don't apologise for grieving Karin. Yes our CO let me come to support Shepard."

"That's nice," Karin said smiling at Jen, as she looked over at Amelia a questioning frown flashed across her face.

Amelia shifted uncomfortably avoiding her guardian's gaze, this wasn't the time. "Is everything ready?" she asked Karin trying to steer the situation back to the importance of today.

"Almost," Karin replied and looked over at the little dock on the lake.

Amelia followed her gaze. "Ok, give me a minute."

* * *

_Jeff loved to look at the lake, imagining himself out there skating around. There were many things he would never be able to do, most of which he didn't dwell on. If he moped about everything he couldn't do, he would miss out on all the things he could, but ice skating on their lake was one thing that kept nagging at him._

"_Be careful Jeff don't get too close." Sarah called from the cabin._

"_Mom I'm fine, stop fussing." he said irritated._

"_You won't be fine if your crutches slip on ice." his mother replied in annoyance._

"_I won't let him fall Sarah I promise." Lia's voice called out next to him._

_Jeff turned and looked at her, he'd never had a real friend before, not like this. There were of course friends of convenience, outcasts banding together, but never someone who was his friend because they liked him for who he was._

"_The lake on Mindoir used to freeze every year, it was a thing we did as a family, both me and the twins could skate as early as we could walk. Hailey, was terrible at it though; I had to support her so much I was practically carrying her." Lia said as she chuckled at the memory._

_He laughed, "Yeah that would pretty much be me too I think."_

"_Have you ever tried?" Lia said nodding toward the lake._

"_Oh yeah, didn't you know? I'm going for gold in the next Olympics," he replied, sarcasm dripping off every word._

"_Uh-huh…" she said with a smirk. "Wanna try?"_

_He did a double take, there was no teasing tone, no mocking expression, she was serious._

"_I...errm, I don't...I'd quite like to avoid a medevac this Christmas." he said still stunned at her suggestion._

_She turned square on to look at him, "I meant what I said to your mom Jeff, I won't let you fall, I promise."_

_As he studied her face, he could see unwavering certainty in her eyes, she meant what she said, and he believed her. "Ok, but I don't think we have any skates that match these bad boys." he said waving at his leg braces._

_She beamed and said, "I found the perfect thing in your cabin basement yesterday afternoon. Wait here."_

_When she returned with the bizarre looking torture device in hand he frowned at her questioningly, looking more than a little concerned._

"_They're old but they're safe and they'll fit over your braces," Lia said confidently._

"_What the hell are they?"_

_She laughed, "They attach to regular footwear, giving you a skating blade."_

"_Ok, you're sure they're safe?"_

"_Yup, we used to have a set on Mindoir; I've check these over and they're solid. Come on sit down, I'll fit them for you."_

_As she fitted the blades to his boots, he kept looking back at the cabin praying his mother wouldn't see what they were up to. "My mom is gonna kills both when she finds out."_

_Lia looked up at him with a cheeky smile "No she's not, Karin's got her covered. Right, all set let's get you up."_

_As he stood, he was about to ask what she meant by 'Karin's got her covered', but before he had chance a faint blue glow beside him caught his eye. He watched as the blue ball of energy grew bigger and brighter in his best friend's hand._

"_Wow you're biotics control has really improved, but what are you doing?"_

"_Preparing your safety net," she said with confidence._

_Before he had chance to ask what she meant, the biotic energy hit him in the chest, but there was no force, no impact; it felt more like an icy gust of wind washing over his entire body, every hair stood on end and every inch of his skin tingled from the strange sensation._

"_There, that wasn't so bad was it?" she said smiling at him._

"_You could have warned me," he said trying to make the amazement in his voice sound like irritation._

_Apparently it worked, Lia frowned, "So ungrateful, shut up moaning and lets get moving," she said walking away from him and stepping down onto the ice, "Come on."_

_He looked at her, "Errm aren't you going to at least help me?" the nerves were evident in his voice._

"_I am," she said as she spun on the ice to face him, showing him a reassuring smile._

_Jeff realised she was still radiating blue energy, subtle pulses of biotic energy extending from her hands created a blue hue across the space between them. He took a step forward and realised his entire body felt as if it was being reinforced by an invisible full body brace._

_As he stepped down onto the ice he almost lost his balance, but he only fell a fraction before being stabilized by the biotics surrounding him. "I told you, I won't let you fall." Lia said to reassure him._

_They skated like that for twenty minutes before Karin called from the dock, "Ok Amelia, that's enough now."_

_Jeff looked up and beamed at the two women looking on at them, "But I'm fine Karin."_

_Karin laughed, "I know you're fine, it's Amelia I'm worried about, she's only had the amp six months, she can't exert her biotics for long periods."_

"_I'm still a lightweight, s__orry Chip_." Lia said trying to keep a playful tone, but when Jeff heard the exhaustion in her voice, he understood and headed back to the dock.

_As Sarah helped Jeff take the blades off she said, "You have a natural talent for skating, I'm...sorry you can't do that whenever you want."_

_He looked at her a little surprised, he was half expecting an ear full. Then he smiled, "Thanks for letting me mom."_

"_You were in safe hands. Just don't go trying that on your own." she teased._

"_Oh don't worry, that will never happen." he laughed._

* * *

As she reached the end of the dock she looked out over the lake, until today she'd only ever seen it as a natural ice rink. The mountains were an amazing backdrop in the winter, but to see them reflecting back up at themselves from the lake's pristine surface, confirmed just how perfect their position was.

"Didn't think they'd let you come."

"Yeah well, I told my CO he'd better prepare the paperwork for a court martial, because permission or not, I was going to be there for my best friend."

"Heh, how'd he take that?"

"He respected my dedication to my best friend and granted me leave."

"Nice."

A silence fell between them as they both gazed out over the lake.

"Do you remember the first time we went skating?"

"I'm not doing it today if that's what you're asking." she joked.

"Idiot. I was sure mom was going to kick my ass when we got back off the ice, but instead she told me what a natural I was and said she was sorry I couldn't do it whenever I wanted." he said with a melancholy tone.

"She was an amazing woman. I know she was a great support for Karin, helping her cope with suddenly becoming a mom of a teenager. She's leaving a big hole in many people's lives." Lia said with a saddened tone.

"Does it get easier?"

"No; but if you're lucky, you find a few special people that help smother it, until everyday life is easier and you don't notice it so much."

"Were you lucky?"

"Yes," she turned her head to look at him, "I found Karin, you and Sarah."

He turned and looked at her, she could see the burn in his eyes, the clench of his jaw as he fought back the tears. The grief etched on his face. It was a grief Amelia knew well.

She dropped her hand into the gap between the two of them, as her hand brushed against his, he took the offer and their fingers interlinked.

**-o-**

Jen watched the woman stood on the dock with Jeff. She felt a cool chill wash over her as the realisation, that she was looking at a stranger, hit her. From the moment they stepped out of the cab, her Shepard was no where to be seen.

"It's like I'm here with a stranger."

It wasn't until Karin responded that Jen even realised she had spoken out loud.

"She has to protect herself while in The Alliance to be able to keep the demons at bay."

"Demons?" Jen asked.

Karin nodded slowly looking over at the young woman that Jen was still staring at with a confused and hurt expression.

"She saw more death in four days than a lot of marines see in a life of service; forced into kill or be killed situations at the age of sixteen." Karin said with renewed sorrow washing over her face. "Gosh, when I found her, she was such a mess. I could see her shutting down in front of me, then suddenly, it was like someone turned the lights back on. She told me her name and even what it meant."

"_You _found her?" Jen said astonished.

Karin turned to look at Jen and saw the incredulous look on Jen's face and realised, Amelia hadn't let Jen in at all. This poor girl that stood in front of her, was in love with Amelia's protective barrier, because that was all she had been given.

"Oh Amelia." Karin whispered in dismay "I'm sorry Jen, I know this must be hard, there's so much she hides away just so she can function in everyday life."

"Not from you, or Jeff."

**-o-**

He looked over at the procession waiting outside the cabin. "So many people." He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"You ready?"

"Nope"

"No, you probably never will be, but let's do this anyway."

He gave a short nod and the two best friends turned and walked toward the front of the waiting procession hand in hand.

* * *

After closing the apartment door behind her, Shepard chased after Jen who had gone straight into the bedroom. Jen hadn't spoken a word or even looked at Shepard since before the service; even the hour long cab journey she managed to avoid contact of any kind.

"You going to tell me what's..." she stopped when she saw the suitcase open on the bed, "what are you doing?" she just stared as Jen went back and forth from the closet throwing clothes into the case, "Jen? Will you please talk to me?" she said stepping in her girlfriends path.

"I don't know who it was I was at that funeral with, but it sure as hell wasn't the woman you've let me fall in love with. Karin said you have to protect yourself while in The Alliance, is that all I am to you? Just another Alliance marine?" tears began to roll down Jen's cheeks as she screamed in Shepard's face.

"We've just got back from a close friend's funeral, and you're throwing this at me?" Shepard said in shock at this turn of events.

"Yes, and you clearly didn't want me there, so why the hell did you request I go with you?" Jen yelled at her.

"I didn't," Shepard yelled, "the Major wouldn't let me go without you." the truth tumbled out of her mouth before she could stop it. "Oh shit, Jen, I didn't mean…"

"Oh no, I think you did." Jen scoffed and carried on packing.

"Jen, don't do this, please just...can we talk?"

"Why? Clearly Amelia doesn't need _me_." Jen said sourly. Then she took a deep breath, "No, I need some space. I'm going to stay with my parent's, give me a few days and then we can talk. It'll give you time to work out what's important to you as well." Jen said making clear there was no negotiation in this.

Shepard hung her head as her girlfriend continued packing.

_You know, it's probably better it happened now, than after you put a ring on her finger._

_Shut up._

As Jen picked up the suitcase and headed to the door Shepard grabbed her hand, "Jen...please don't go."

Jen looked her in the eye, her expression cold. "I'll call you when I'm ready to talk."

With that she was gone.

Amelia had left the apartment soon after Jen, she couldn't be there right now.

As she walked through Victory Square in the pouring rain, she stopped to look at the memorial; autumn leaves scattered over the few steps of the memorial pillar reminding her of the funeral. Karin.

* * *

When the door-com went off Karin climbed out of bed, wrapped herself in her dressing gown and went to the com, "Hello?"

"Karin it's me," said the voice she knew well. She knew it so well that, even over the com she could hear the broken emotion in the voice of the girl she considered her daughter.

When Amelia reached her door, the sight before her was pitiful to say the least. Still wearing her dress blue uniform she was dripping wet, head hung low, shoulders slumped.

"She's left me; I think I've lost her." Amelia said in all but a whisper.

"Oh darling," Karin said pulling her into a hug, "come in, let's get you out of those wet clothes before you catch your death."

While Amelia got showered, Karin made coffee; when Amelia was upset, she didn't sleep, it was going to be a long night.

"Do I smell coffee at three am?"

"Indeed you do." Karin said smiling in the direction of the spare room.

"Well that can only mean one thing, Lia's here?"

"Jen left her, that's all I know." she said.

"What the shit?" Jeff said clearly shocked. He hadn't seen what Karin had today, how little Jen knew the real Amelia, their Amelia.

"I didn't realise you were here Chip." Amelia said emerging from the bathroom in the spare robe she kept here.

"Yeah, didn't feel like going back to the dorm tonight. So...Jen?" he asked, one thing Jeff was not known for was subtlety.

"Not tonight, I can't tonight." she said sadly as she grabbed a mug of fresh coffee and smiled at Karin thankfully.

The three of them sat in front of the holo fire, they didn't talk about Jen, tonight wasn't the time. Instead they talked of good times; Amelia spoke of happy times on Mindoir, Jeff of meeting his new sister Hilary for the first time on Tiptree, Karin of the mischief she and Sarah got up to in the academy. Tonight was for happiness; the sadness could wait until later.

**To Be Continued...**

* * *

**A/N: Hey guys,**

**Sorry it's a bit later released than the last few have been, I've started writing a blog as well so the pace on MEMB is slowing a little, plus both my beta readers have buggered off on holiday! Rude, but thank you Mike for stepping in, big help!**

**So I have a few questions for you; I'd like to hear your thoughts on the below things, it will help with my inspiration for chapter 7. So please take a few minutes to leave a review and let me know what you think. (even guests can review without messing with making accounts!)**

*** So was the result of the cliffhanger what you thought?**

*** How do you feel about Jen's reaction?**

*** Do you think Shepard loves her enough to finally let her in, or are they doomed?**

**Thanks all for your time, and please keep reading, favouriting, reviewing and sharing!**

**Jess**


	7. Chapter 7 - Ductus Exemplo

**WARNING PLEASE NOTE:** There is a scene up ahead suggesting the occurrence of a sexual assault. It is a brief and vague reference with no descriptions of the assault however I wanted to make you aware just in case.

* * *

**Ductus Exemplo**

Amelia cradled her fourth mug of coffee and stared through the holo-fire, sleep would not grace her with it's presence tonight, of that she was sure. The conversation from earlier with Karin was still buzzing around in her head.

**-o-**

"_Have you asked yourself why you haven't let her in?" Karin probed._

"_I...I don't know." Amelia replied while avoiding eye contact._

"_Do you love her?"_

"_Yes, I think so...I don't know. I thought I did, but, when my CO told me I could only go to funeral if Jen went with me, all I could think was that I didn't want her there. If I loved her wouldn't I want her there?"_

_The question had been rhetorical, but Karin chose to pursue an answer anyway. _

"_Will you let me tell you what I think?"_

_There was a moment of pause before Amelia nodded once for Karin to continue._

_"I think when you joined The Alliance, you created a protective barrier around the Amelia we know and adore. The problem came when you met Jen, who was part of The Alliance, you didn't know how to let her in and still keep the rest out. So you took the easy option and kept her out too."_

_Karin studied Amelia's face trying to get a read on her, she looked so lost._

_Amelia's remorse filled eyes met Karin's, "I don't want to lose her, but I don't know if I can fix this, even if she gave me the chance to try, I don't know how to..." with that her final thread of control snapped._

_"Oh darling, come here." Karin said pulling Amelia into a protective embrace, an embrace Amelia knew so well, here she was free to be scared and weak without judgement or consequence._

_When the sobs subsided, Karin handed Amelia the tissues and stroked her damp copper hair out of her face. After cleaning herself up Amelia gave Karin a sheepish look, "Sorry."_

_"Darling, the day you have to apologise to me for being human is the day I don't deserve the privilege to see it." _

_"Ha," Amelia laughed "a privilege to see me in such a mess? You are a twisted woman."_

_"Well I'm pretty sure Jen would give anything to see that side of you, so apparently it's a privilege."_

_"Ouch, don't worry what wounds you poor that salt on will you?" Amelia said raising an eyebrow._

_Karin smirked and shook her head as she took a mouthful of her now tepid tea. Staring into the mug she thought for a moment, then looking up at Amelia she asked "Why did you let me in?"_

_Amelia, who had been drinking her coffee at the time almost choked in response. She wasn't sure why, but this question felt like she'd had a live grenade dropped in her lap. When she caught her breath she was still trying to assemble some sort of reply. "Errm…"_

"_It's just...that day on Mindoir when I found you, I saw you shutting down in front of me. One minute your eyes glazed over and I was sure I wouldn't get another word from you. The next minute, I don't know, but it was as if someone just switched the lights back on and then you told me your name."_

_For a moment Amelia considered lying, but aside from the fact she couldn't think of anything believable to say, she didn't lie to Karin and even if she did, Karin would know in an instant. "Ok, but you're gonna think I'm crazy."_

_Amelia saw Karin's brow furrow, she knew she wouldn't like the idea of Amelia having kept something from her._

"_I hope that is a joke, because I would never think you were crazy. I love you more than anyone else in the galaxy Amelia Shepard." Karin said without even a hint of a playful tone._

_Despite getting the distinct feeling she'd just been scolded, Amelia couldn't stop the corners of her mouth stretching from ear to ear. "I love you too mum."_

_Although she didn't say it often, she did occasionally call Karin mum, not mom, someone else already held that title, but with Karin being English, mum felt, acceptable._

_Karin tried, and failed to fight the smile, "Now don't think you can get out of trouble by sucking up to me young lady." She said with a warmth in her voice._

_Amelia smiled and then gave a Karin serious look, "You're right, I was shutting down, it all hurt so much and it felt like I was drowning in the pain. So I started building a wall around myself to lock myself away."_

_Karin nodded showing that was what she had suspected "Then what stopped you?"_

_"A voice, a shadowy figure helped me put a door in the wall that I was building and told me to trust you." Amelia knew how mad it sounded, but Karin's face didn't flinch for a second._

"_When you say a voice, you mean there was actually someone there? Not just like when having an inner conversation with your conscience?"_

_Amelia stared into to holo-fire "No, I have plenty of those conversations. This was...it felt like there was someone else in my head, telling me not to cut myself off, she said that there would be no going back if I did. That I should trust you and David because you would keep me safe." She looked back at Karin who was studying her, "She was right. I don't want to imagine what my life would have been like without you."_

"_Well, whoever it was, whatever their motivations were, I for one, am glad they were there to stop you. The thought of not having you in my life...well, let's not even go there." Karin said with a frown._

_The two women sat in silence for a moment, almost as if giving thanks to whoever it was that brought them together._

_It was Karin that broke the silence, "Well, getting back on topic, I'm going to give you my closing opinion. Jen is a wonderful girl that adores the part of you that you let her have and I know she would love the other part of you all the more. If you love her, you'd be a fool not to try and let her in. If you don't, then it's time to leave her be."_

_Amelia nodded slowly, "I know. I do love her, but I'm scared."_

"_The Amelia Shepard I know wouldn't let fear stop her from achieving her goals, so think on it. Now I must go to sleep." Karin leaned across the sofa and kissed Amelia on the forehead. "Try and get some sleep too, I love you."_

_Amelia smiled, "Can't promise sleep, but love you too."_

**-o-**

Here she was, two hours later, as far from sleep as anyone could get, but at least she now knew what she was going to do.

She poured the last of the coffee into her mug, turned on the vid-screen and settled down to kill the remaining few hours left until morning, by watching reruns of 'Colony Life', a terrible soap opera that shouldn't have been aired the first time, let alone rerun.

* * *

"I said I'd call you when I was ready to talk." Jen said irritation in her tone.

Amelia had hoped she might be invited in, but judging by Jen's body language it was clear that wasn't going to happen, so the porch it was. "I know, but I realised if you were going to be thinking everything over, I should at least give you something worth thinking about."

Jen looked away, Amelia guessed she was deciding whether to shut the door in her face. "Ok." she said stepping onto the porch and closing the door behind her.

Amelia leaned against the railing looking out over the beach, Jen's parents' place was stunning.

"So I guess I need to start from the beginning for it to make the slightest sense. I was sixteen when the batarian's attacked Mindoir. It was just a normal summer day and I was at the movies with my girlfriend and my sisters. I went to the bathroom while the girls waited in the foyer, I heard the gunshots, but all three of them were dead by the time I got back out. I killed the batarian that killed them with his own shotgun. That's the real reason I haven't been back inside a movie theatre since."

Amelia paused, looked at Jen seeing the horror on her face and hesitated before continuing. "There was so much death, my sisters, girlfriend, parents, the whole damn colony. No sixteen year old should have to kill to survive. If it wasn't for Karin, they would have thrown me into a kid's psych facility. God knows what sort of a mess I'd been right now."

"I had no idea. You always played it down, I thought the stories were all exaggerated." Jen whispered.

"When I joined The Alliance, I knew there'd be more death, so I decided to protect myself from it, but then you found me. I should have let you in, but I was scared, I was a coward and kept you out too." Amelia turned to Jen and looked into her eyes, "I'm not tell you this to try and win a sympathy vote and I'm not trying to excuse what I did, I just wanted you to know why."

As Jen stared at her, Amelia felt as if she was touching her very soul. "Thank you, for telling me. It helps me understand a little more how we got to where we are. But I can't have a relationship with a disguise Amelia."

"I know, I wouldn't expect you to...anymore. I _do _love you Jen, I want to let you in, to let you get to know the side of me that Jeff and Karin know. I'm just not sure how, but if you're willing to give me a chance, I want to try." Amelia was almost pleading, even she hadn't realised how much she loved Jen until she was right here in this moment.

Jen looked out over the sand, "We can't just jump back to how things were, I'm going to continue to stay with my parents, but I am willing to give us a try. No more secrets though, no matter how hard or how much it hurts, you have to be open and honest with me."

Amelia nodded, "I will, I promise."

* * *

"Marines, I shouldn't have to tell you the gravity of this mission, we do this for the colonists who lost their lives during the Elysium attack. Your heads must be in the game, there is no room for mistakes. We _will_ show those batarians they cannot attack a human colony and get away with it. _Who's with me?!_"

"_Oorah_." the deafening battle cry echoed off the hanger's structure.

It wasn't hard to discern that General Rosenberg had a personal stake in this mission. Losing anyone was enough to spark an ember for revenge, but to lose your entire family, that created a blaze.

"Then let's get this done. _Semper Fi_." the General said dismissing the marines before him.

"_Do or Die!_" the chorus of voices rang out in regimented unison.

Two hundred marines under one roof, a spellbinding demonstration of the level of discipline drilled into marines. Two hundred salutes in perfect unison, two hundred voices so in time they were as one, it was a spine tingling experience, one that never failed to fill him with pride.

As the crowd dispersed into their brigades, the brigade leaders gathered around the General for their specific orders.

"Major Kyle, I want the 201st to take lead on the day, I'm assigning Second Lieutenant Shepard as your second for this mission." the General ordered.

"With all due respect General, Shepard is not the highest ranked marine in my brigade and has no active duty leadership experience."

Rosenberg could see the reluctance in Kyle's eyes, he was right that Shepard wasn't seasoned in leadership, but even in training she exuded exceptional leadership skills. Her potential was far superior than Kyle's ever would be. What Kyle didn't need to know was why he wanted Shepard.

"And she never will if we don't give her the chance, will she Major? Is everyone clear on their brigade's roles tomorrow?"

"Sir yes Sir" the brigade leaders replied.

"Dismissed. Major Kyle, when you've finished briefing your team, send Shepard to my office."

"I...yes Sir."

* * *

Shepard took a deep breath before knocking on the steel office door. She had been shocked when her CO said she was second for this mission, ignoring the fact she had no active duty leadership experience, this was also an important mission. From the Major's body language she could tell he wasn't happy about it, so the decision was an order from the General, but why?

"Come," the bassy voice commanded, "ah Shepard, come in."

Shepard focused on calming her nerves as she drew to attention two feet from the shabby desk.

Rosenberg looked up and Shepard was sure she saw a twitch at the corners of his mouth. "At ease Second Lieutenant. I suppose you're wondering why I assigned you as 201st's second for this mission."

"That had crossed my mind Sir." Shepard replied still not feeling overly at ease.

Rosenberg turned his back to Shepard and looked out the window, the only redeeming feature of the dingy little office, it wasn't exactly what Shepard had expected for a General.

"You and I have something in common Shepard, we both lost our entire families to those batarian bastards. I know you were only a teenager when it happened, but I've read the reports, I know what hell you had to go through to survive that. Something like that changes a person."

To say Shepard was uncomfortable with this conversation would have been a colossal understatement, this wasn't a topic she spoke about with anyone but Karin, and even then, they hadn't spoken in detail in a long time. She was most definitely not looking for a heart to heart with her CO's CO.

"My wife and three children were murdered in cold blood on Elysium, the youngest was nine months old. Tomorrow would have been her third birthday. You more than any of the two hundred marines out there understand that burn for revenge. Major Kyle is a good leader, but he's weak, when it comes to it, he won't be able to do what needs to be done. That's why you have to be his second."

"What needs to be done Sir?" Shepard was getting a bad feeling about where this conversation was leading.

_What is he asking?_

"Take no prisoners. They didn't show mercy to unarmed civilians; we will not show mercy to them. Whatever the cost, not one batarian will leave that moon alive, is that clear?"

Shepard's mind was reeling.

_He can't seriously be ordering me to ensure anyone that surrenders is executed._

"Sir, I _do _understand the burn for revenge, but, what you're asking, it's against protocol. The Major wouldn't do that, to ensure that was carried out, I'd have to…"

"Deem the Major unfit and relieve him of duty." the General finished her sentence with a detached tone, as if he'd just told her to pat her CO on the back.

Shepard stared at him incredulously.

_Say something._

_Like what? 'Yes Sir of course I'll overthrow my CO and lead a merciless massacre.'?_

_Or 'No Sir, I have morals and I won't be party to this madness.'?_

_Which will undoubtedly be the end of my career._

_Not necessarily..._

"Shepard?" The General said startling Shepard from her thoughts. "Can I count on you? Or did I misjudge your dedication to The Alliance? The success of this mission would be an excellent boost for your career. The failure of it however…"

_And there is it…_

_What now?_

_Only one thing for it._

Shepard closed her eyes and found the wall in front of her. As she opened the door the memories she was looking for hit her full force.

_The theatre foyer, Hailey and her sister's lifeless bodies laying encircled in a pool of their own blood, the faceless batarian laying at the side of them._

_Her home, the tell tale smear of blood on the outside of their front door. Her father's body tied to a chair, facing her mothers bloody, violated body left indecently exposed on their living room floor._

_Countless bodies strewn across the colony's streets, now a wash with Mindoir blood, blood that would never wash away._

As she closed the door and opened her eyes, she felt a vengeful inferno blaze inside, an inferno that would get the job done, whatever the cost.

"No Sir, you did not misjudge my dedication. It will be done."

She saw a smug look pass across the General's face that made her feel nauseous, the son of a bitch had her exactly where he wanted her and he knew it. "Excellent, I have every confidence in you Shepard." The General said as he walked round the desk and stood directly in front of her, "Ductus Exemplo."

Shepard looked him in the eyes. How could he act with honour after giving such dishonourable orders. She did not reply, a slight nod and salute and she was dismissed.

* * *

Amelia's head was spinning as she made her way through the corridors. The full realisation of what she had just agreed to hit her as she had closed the door behind her, mass murder at any cost. She felt physically sick and barely made it to the toilet before throwing up.

When her stomach had nothing left to give she exited the stall and splashed her face with water, looking at the stranger in the mirror. "What have I done?" she whispered aloud.

"What's wrong?" The familiar voice behind her startled her, "Sorry, didn't mean to make you jump."

Amelia looked at Jen through the mirror, she was in no state of mind to hide anything at that moment, she also realised, for the first time, she didn't want to hide from her.

When Jen registered the look on Amelia's face, concern flooded her eyes. She ran over to Amelia, turned her round and cupped her face in her hands. "Baby what's wrong?"

As Jen studied her, Amelia realised Jen was seeing more of the real Amelia Shepard in that moment than she had in the last two years of their relationship. "I've made a huge mistake." Amelia managed to say before the tears took control.

* * *

They both sat in silence on the surprisingly clean bathroom floor, both leaning against the cold tiled wall. Jen had listened as Amelia told her of everything that had happened behind that hateful steel door.

"I can't believe he's put you in this position, he blackmailed you and now he can court martial you for disobeying orders if you don't go through with it." Jen said disbelief lacing every word.

"God Jen what do I do? Maybe I should just go tell him I won't do it and accept the court martial here and now."

"You can't do that, it's not fair."

"At any cost...what if our intel is wrong and we're hopelessly out numbered? He still expects it done, we could lose the majority of the marines and he wouldn't care. Is that what I'm supposed to do? Not care?" Amelia said dropping her head onto her knees in defeat. "Either way I've lost."

"Not if the intel is good and we keep to a solid strategy." Jen said putting her marine head on.

"But I still have to lead a massacre, no prisoners, armed or not, no batarian leaves that planet alive. That's what he said. I'm no fan of batarians, but, I'm a marine, not a murderer." Amelia said with disgust.

"Well, it's not a colony, it's a base for criminals. It's not ideal, but…it could be worse. Whatever you decide I'm with you." There wasn't a second of hesitation in Jen's words.

Amelia lifted her head and looked into Jen's caramel eyes with amazement. "Thank you."

* * *

"You have to do something, this could undo all the good that has happened since our first intervention." The Second said panicstricken.

"What would you have me do? Convince her to not go ahead with it? You heard them, that will result in her being discharged from The Alliance, then what use would she be?" The First countered.

"I...she is such a different person to what she was the first time round. She has such a rich life now, I hate to think that this might turn her back to how she was." The Second replied sadly.

The First moved to her and rested her hand on her shoulder, "I know, but just look at the extreme differences in how she has reacting this time to last. The first time she was gleeful at the proposition, this time she was physically sick because of it. She has also confided in Jennifer which will give her support on the mission and help keep her grounded. It will scar her, but I believe she will get no satisfaction from what is to come."

The Second let out a sigh in defeat and nodded "You are right, I just wish there was another way."

* * *

It hadn't taken long for Kyle to lose his nerve and call a retreat, Shepard had hoped, just for a minute that he'd have the courage to follow through, that she wouldn't need to make a choice, but no such luck.

The look on his face when she relieved him of duty and took control of the mission would forever be burnt into Shepard's memory, a look of betrayal, disbelief and anger.

It turned out, their intel wasn't good, they were vastly outnumbered. Under normal circumstances any Commanding Officer would have called for a full retreat, but these weren't normal circumstances. Despite their disadvantage in numbers, they had the element of surprise and the benefit of all being trained to be the best.

As the last batarians threw down their arms and surrendered, Shepard radioed for what was left of The Alliance brigades to report in. All reports confirmed either all hostiles down or surrendered.

She reached for her radio. "Final orders. All remaining hostiles are to be terminated."

"_Terminated? But ma'am, they've surrendered, they're unarmed and on their knees." _a voice crackled over the radio. She had expected to be questioned, she would have herself if she was given that order.

"General Rosenberg's orders. Take no prisoners. So I say again, terminate remaining hostiles, quick and clean. All brigade leaders please acknowledge."

They all hesitantly reported acknowledged and understood.

Shepard turned and looked at the now terrified batarians before her, closing her eyes, she dug deep, when she found the face she was looking for she opened her eyes. Every batarian in front of her was now wearing the same face, the face of the first batarian she killed.

Drawing her heavy pistol she took aim and shot each one between their four eyes, quick and clean.

When all teams had reported all hostiles terminated she ordered the remaining fifty seven marines to regroup at the extraction point.

Jen come up along side Amelia. "One hundred and forty three losses." Amelia whispered for only Jen to hear.

"We were up against double our own numbers, having anyone come out alive is a miracle and it's thanks to your leadership." Jen whispered in reply.

"With those odds, the best leadership would have pulled out."

"But that wasn't an option you were given. You made the best of a bad situation. Hang on to that."

Amelia looked a Jen, giving her a slight smile. "Thank you. I don't think I could have…"

As the deafening explosion threw them both backwards Amelia felt a searing pain shoot through her right thigh. She tried to get her bearings while fighting a wave of nausea while explosions and gunfire went off around her, they'd walked into an ambush.

Hard as she tried she couldn't clear her head of the fog, she realised she must have a concussion. She tried to think back through the seconds before the blast, it must have been a proximity grenade, when she realise where it originated her blood ran cold, Jen was closer to the blast.

Amelia tried to call out for Jen but her weak voice was lost in the ongoing battle. Eventually an eerie quiet fell over the battlefield.

"Shepard?" She heard one of her squad say, "Thank god you're alive, don't talk ma'am we'll get you both out of here."

_Both? _she breathed a mental sigh of relief, Jen was alive too. With that knowledge consciousness left her.

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

**A/N:**

Hey again,

I'd like to apologise for making you wait so long for this new chapter (although I have a feeling one a fortnight may become an average from here on out), I appreciate your patience and I hope this satisfies your need for a while!

I hope you all enjoyed that and it has left you wanting more!

It's exactly 6 weeks today since I published the 1st chapter of MEMB! In those 6 weeks it has received nearly 1100 views on fanfiction alone. The positive response is overwhelming and I am very grateful to all you readers out there!

I wanted to give you all some context on the meaning of and reason for using the two latin phrases I included. I apologise to any marines if I have used them in a not so correct context, I researched as much as I could to try and make sure it was used as it should be.

"The motto here at officer candidates school is _Ductus Exemplo, _which is latin for _Lead by Example." - _Capt Chad. J. Althiser."_Semper fidelis_ is a Latin phrase that means 'always faithful' or 'always loyal'. Well known in the United States as the motto of the United States Marine Corps and often shortened to _semper fi_in Marine contexts." - wikipediaThe reply _Do or Die_ is taken from a marines song lyrics _"Semper Fi, do or die, hold 'em high at 8th and I" _and can be used as a reply to _Semper Fi._

Once again heads up to elmjuniper for your encouragement and beta reading!

**Thanks to you all for reading and please do comment to let me know what you think!**_  
_

* * *

_Please take some time to check out my website .com_

_Find me on deviantART: .com_

_Follow me on Twitter: /jessie2cv_

_and Like my page on Facebook: jessie2cv_


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